y'all, i'm going to be pregnant forever. this baby is not budging. my due date came and went, and now i am officially 41 weeks pregnant. 41 WEEKS. side note- in case you hadn't noticed, everyone says you're pregnant for nine months. 40 weeks is ten months. TEN. so i am not only past nine months pregnant, i am past ten months pregnant. there is no more room for baby and no more room for mommy. someone needs to get out of my body, and it can't be me.
so here's the thing. the waiting for a baby to arrive can only be compared to waiting for the man you love to ask you to marry him. you know that proposal is coming and you are so happy about it, but you aren't quite sure when. and you have no control over it. it could happen on your next fancy date, or it could happen tomorrow morning when you walk into your office. the anticipation takes up most of your thoughts and energy, but you can't waste your life waiting. IT IS SO HARD.
the most challenging part of all of this has been finding joy in the waiting. joy doesn't come naturally to me (does it for anyone? i don't know). i have to work for it, being intentional in recognizing things that God has done and is doing in my life. i enjoy paying attention, because it helps me recognize the little things that God gives me each day. but if i'm being completely honest, which i am, this week has been so hard to find joy. my body aches from carrying another person plus 17 billion pounds of water weight. i haven't had any plans because i thought i'd have a baby by now, so things just sort of stopped. there are only so many episodes of gilmore girls i can watch in one day. i cry. a lot. my poor husband has been super busy with work, and then comes home and has to deal with a crazy hormonal pregnant woman, which is does SO WELL. he has been incredible. i used to wonder what men do to help with pregnancy. now i know. i have a whole new appreciation. i couldn't have done this without him. he has supported me and loved me and held me when i cried and read the bible to me and has endlessly prayed for our growing family. i could not ask for a better partner in life. anyway. back to joy. my joy comes from the Lord. he is my portion and my strength. he knows what i need, and he is teaching me patience even though i really don't want it. this has been hard, knowing that he knows what i need and i'm the one throwing a fit, not wanting to be joyful. i have so many things to be joyful about. i have a healthy baby growing in me, that just needs a little extra time to grow. i have a wonderful supportive community around me, calling and texting often to be sure i'm hanging in there. family and friends all over the world are ready to celebrate this little life. and i already told you all about my other half.
this time is good, and these days are precious. i will continue to fight for joy in the waiting.
Mar 25, 2015
Jan 19, 2015
Growing.
Growing seems to be a bit of a theme for me lately.
This is most noticeable in my growing belly. There are mornings when I wake up and Josiah looks at me and says, "Woah. You grew." This outward sign of the growth of the little one inside of me is pretty incredible.
As much as I'd love to say that growing spiritually, relationally, and intellectually happens as quickly as my belly has grown, I can't. I can't say growth has happened really much at all. I feel stuck, and I'm not sure how to grow out of it. The desire is there, but it seems that my efforts don't really take me anywhere. I've always been a verbal processor, and I don't even know where to start processing. Even trying to come up with words to fill this page is difficult. I feel paralyzed by anxiety and fear, and I don't know how to change it. Josiah and I read through some of my old journals from when I was in middle school, and it made my heart ache to read the words that I prayed. I consistently asked God to change me, to make my worry go away. And those are the same things I pray today. I know that God has worked and change has happened, but it was a harsh reminder that anxiety has been my companion for as long as I can remember. I'm not giving up. I won't let it win.
I will keep growing. And God will keep working.
God is good. All the time.
This is most noticeable in my growing belly. There are mornings when I wake up and Josiah looks at me and says, "Woah. You grew." This outward sign of the growth of the little one inside of me is pretty incredible.
As much as I'd love to say that growing spiritually, relationally, and intellectually happens as quickly as my belly has grown, I can't. I can't say growth has happened really much at all. I feel stuck, and I'm not sure how to grow out of it. The desire is there, but it seems that my efforts don't really take me anywhere. I've always been a verbal processor, and I don't even know where to start processing. Even trying to come up with words to fill this page is difficult. I feel paralyzed by anxiety and fear, and I don't know how to change it. Josiah and I read through some of my old journals from when I was in middle school, and it made my heart ache to read the words that I prayed. I consistently asked God to change me, to make my worry go away. And those are the same things I pray today. I know that God has worked and change has happened, but it was a harsh reminder that anxiety has been my companion for as long as I can remember. I'm not giving up. I won't let it win.
I will keep growing. And God will keep working.
God is good. All the time.
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