joy in the waiting.

y'all, i'm going to be pregnant forever. this baby is not budging. my due date came and went, and now i am officially 41 weeks pregnant. 41 WEEKS. side note- in case you hadn't noticed, everyone says you're pregnant for nine months. 40 weeks is ten months. TEN. so i am not only past nine months pregnant, i am past ten months pregnant. there is no more room for baby and no more room for mommy. someone needs to get out of my body, and it can't be me.

so here's the thing. the waiting for a baby to arrive can only be compared to waiting for the man you love to ask you to marry him. you know that proposal is coming and you are so happy about it, but you aren't quite sure when. and you have no control over it. it could happen on your next fancy date, or it could happen tomorrow morning when you walk into your office. the anticipation takes up most of your thoughts and energy, but you can't waste your life waiting. IT IS SO HARD.

the most challenging part of all of this has been finding joy in the waiting. joy doesn't come naturally to me (does it for anyone? i don't know). i have to work for it, being intentional in recognizing things that God has done and is doing in my life. i enjoy paying attention, because it helps me recognize the little things that God gives me each day. but if i'm being completely honest, which i am, this week has been so hard to find joy. my body aches from carrying another person plus 17 billion pounds of water weight. i haven't had any plans because i thought i'd have a baby by now, so things just sort of stopped. there are only so many episodes of gilmore girls i can watch in one day. i cry. a lot. my poor husband has been super busy with work, and then comes home and has to deal with a crazy hormonal pregnant woman, which is does SO WELL. he has been incredible. i used to wonder what men do to help with pregnancy. now i know. i have a whole new appreciation. i couldn't have done this without him. he has supported me and loved me and held me when i cried and read the bible to me and has endlessly prayed for our growing family. i could not ask for a better partner in life. anyway. back to joy. my joy comes from the Lord. he is my portion and my strength. he knows what i need, and he is teaching me patience even though i really don't want it. this has been hard, knowing that he knows what i need and i'm the one throwing a fit, not wanting to be joyful. i have so many things to be joyful about. i have a healthy baby growing in me, that just needs a little extra time to grow. i have a wonderful supportive community around me, calling and texting often to be sure i'm hanging in there.  family and friends all over the world are ready to celebrate this little life. and i already told you all about my other half.

this time is good, and these days are precious. i will continue to fight for joy in the waiting.

Growing.

Growing seems to be a bit of a theme for me lately.

This is most noticeable in my growing belly. There are mornings when I wake up and Josiah looks at me and says, "Woah. You grew." This outward sign of the growth of the little one inside of me is pretty incredible.

As much as I'd love to say that growing spiritually, relationally, and intellectually happens as quickly as my belly has grown, I can't. I can't say growth has happened really much at all. I feel stuck, and I'm not sure how to grow out of it. The desire is there, but it seems that my efforts don't really take me anywhere. I've always been a verbal processor, and I don't even know where to start processing. Even trying to come up with words to fill this page is difficult. I feel paralyzed by anxiety and fear, and I don't know how to change it. Josiah and I read through some of my old journals from when I was in middle school, and it made my heart ache to read the words that I prayed. I consistently asked God to change me, to make my worry go away. And those are the same things I pray today. I know that God has worked and change has happened, but it was a harsh reminder that anxiety has been my companion for as long as I can remember. I'm not giving up. I won't let it win.

I will keep growing. And God will keep working.

God is good. All the time.

so many things.

there are so many things happening right now. things i am thankful for, but easily overwhelmed by.

in the last three months, we:

-found out we were pregnant. surprise!
-found out we miscarried.
-decided to pursue moving to malawi.
-found out we were pregnant, again. even bigger surprise!
-i went to scotland.
-decided to stay in lancaster.
-moved to a new apartment.
-josiah went to africa.
-i started school (specifically, kindergarten assisting.)
-i got sick most days.
-heard our baby's heartbeat.
-saw our baby's face.
-i grew a baby bump.
-we both took a lot of naps.

in all of this crazy, God has been so gracious in providing what we need. we are excited about what the future holds, despite it not being at all what we planned. we would appreciate your prayers!

inspired.

last week for my birthday, we took a quick trip to a cabin in ligonier, pa. it was a quiet little town with an awesome bakery and diner with the best burger around. we read, explored the town, and hiked until our little hearts were content.

best part: i came home inspired.

as i have mentioned before, i have struggled being content and feeling like my heart is full here. i have been lacking inspiration, something that i know keeps me going. it was so refreshing to spend time with God and read and pray with Josiah about our life and our future. we had the baby conversation for the first legitimate time, and decided we should wait. a trip to italy is on the table, and i am dying to visit scotland again. we have no idea what's next, or how long we'll stay where we are.

despite the unknown, God's grace prevails and there is hope in things unseen.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. 

In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, 

abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:11-13 

learning.

learning seems to be the theme these days. learning to live in pennsylvania. learning to be a wife. learning to teach kindergarten. learning to be content. the list could go on and on. forever.

i understand that i will continue to learn for the rest of my life. i love that, and i'm all for that. but these things i'm learning come with far more difficulty than i imagined. i always thought being a wife would come naturally. i love people, so of course i could love a husband and put him first. right? NO. my mother was right. i am the most selfish person on the face of the planet, and marriage is really good at reminding me of that.

part of what's going on in my head right now is trying to figure out what i'm passionate about. for years, this answer was very easy. it was always scotland. i care so deeply about kilmallie and people there, and my passion lies with that church and spreading the gospel in that town. for the last three years, i have either been there or have been pursuing going there. so what do i do now? scotland is an option, and i would love to live there in the future. josiah is very willing to go, and of course there are millions of details that would need to be figured out, but it's a possibility. but what do i do right now, while i'm not pursuing the thing that i am most passionate about?

this brings us to contentment. and learning to be content where i am. i have never done this well. i have always looked toward the next thing, whether it be college or graduating or scotland or marriage. and now, life is happening and there's not a big move or big life change to anticipate. we are here. this is life. and i am finally learning to just be.

snow day.

Y'all, it snowed yesterday. Allll day. Josiah stayed here and worked from home, and I slept late. I woke up to Josiah bringing me the best breakfast in bed.

We ventured out and went to market for milk and eggs. No one was driving and the sidewalks were caked in snow. My face felt like it was going to freeze, but J got a smile (forced much?) out of me anyway.

We came back and he worked the rest of the day. I did a little work for church, distracted Josiah, and cleaned.

He's just too cute to leave alone.

Here are a few photos of all that snow from our apartment windows:

It's a warm 8 degrees today, so none of this stuff is going anywhere any time soon!

food for thought. literally.

paleo.
whole30.
complicated orders.

welcome to this month.

we have been doing the whole30, and we feel amazing. once i got the chocolate cake out of my head and could focus on cooking things like veggies and grass fed meat, i've gained a deep appreciation for whole foods. josiah and i both think better, function better, sleep better, and our clothes fit better. when we started, i was just counting down the days until it was over. i have to admit, i cheated, but the chocolate wasn't worth it. i felt horrible and i decided to commit to making a lifestyle change, not just a thirty day change. it's been so hard, but so good.

we'll see how this goes as we continue!